So many desires

I'm in a serious need of unnecessary things at the moment. Maybe it's because it's the holiday season so I keep thinking of shopping and sales and whatnot. Maybe it's because I just have senioritis and can't focus on schoolwork. Maybe it's because I'm more fashion conscientious in general (freaking Gossip Girl, ugh). I don't know what it is but I just can't stop wanting. basically. everything. So I'm going to let my frustration out by listing everything I want :)

I want...

_100 things of different clothing pieces (casual shirts; dressy shirts; dresses; jeans; cardigans; coats; scarves; hats; you name it, i want it)

_100 pairs of shoes

_100 handbags/clutches/pairs of earrings

_to donate $100 to LiNK

_God to give me some sort of "sign." like in bruce almighty. even that kind of sign is fine. i just need a sign.

_more dreams

_anyone to say anything nice to me each day. something meaningfully nice.

_more hugs

_more people to say "hey jane" instead of just "hey" or "whats up." i don't know what it is but i love hearing my name; it makes it seem like i have a personal-enough relationship with that person. (do you see the pattern here? i guess i just need more love in my life..)

_to get my braces off NOW (but i think i'm getting them off next month so i'm kind.of.excited.)

_more time in a day to be able to do all the crap i have to do + read jodi picoult/others + write more in my blog or whatever.

_to be able to wake up in the morning at 545 each day to go run to the beach. but it's so cold and i'm so not athletic and i hate running and i don't like that people in the cars might be watching me fail at running and gah, the list goes on about why i don't run in the morning-- or heck, run at all..

_more will power, i supppppppose

_to have a pen pal

_to go to korea so badly

_to travel anywhere! anywhere.

_to volunteer for a cause i strongly believe in (human rights/water=my #1)

_a pet companion (preferably a dog. like a jack russell. or a west highland white terrier. a cat= russian blue)

_more visible sunsets

_winter wonderland (aka snow)

_to know how my future is going to be exactly

_more people i want to hang out with to want to hang out with me

_to send in a secret to postsecret that'll be featured on the website

_a car. . . . desperately needed.

_LAPTOP. more desperately needed.

_to paint my walls robin-egg blue

_a michael kors/juicy couture/fendi watch

_a white christmas tree

_to celebrate christmas in nyc/boston (i will do this someday.)

& much more probably. the list is endless.

merry christmas!

December Frenzy

Common application. Supplemental "short answer" essays to write for 8 schools.
Michelle Trinh's birthday.
Church Christmas project.
Youth & Government White Elephant.
Sleepover at Kim's.
Parent's wedding anniversary.

Stress is burdened upon my shoulders once again as I try to figure out how to handle work with fun. There is simply not enough hours in a day. I wish we had 30-hr days..

Christmas is in less than three weeks away! Unfortunately, I am a poor, broke bugger :'( I am only able to get my best friends gifts this year: Kim, Kevin, Michelle. I wish I could spend $200 like everybody else for my other good friends' Christmas presents as well.. But I believe that Christmas should be a time of giving/receiving love! Not just materials we're bound to throw away sometime sooner or later.. Remember "The Gift of the Magi"? In the end, the couple just gave each other love and gratitude. Oh! But it's not like I'm not giving my other friends NOTHING. I'm giving them baked goodies I'm pretty excited about baking. I'm just worried about the time crunch. I have so much to do, I just reminded myself..

So off I go yet again.

Christmas is here! (almost)

The past week was hell. I need to sleep. My conscience is just going to set an early New Year's resolutions list for me:
1. Finish busywork homework (such as tedious stats/anatomy/korean homework) by 7pm each day. It's not even hard. You just procrastinate. You need to manage your freaking time more wisely from now on. Guh, you piss me off, Jane Park.
2. You need to set a bedtime. You haven't had a bad time since you were in elementary school, I think. And you need your beauty sleep; beauty sleep = burning more calories, growing at least an inch more by 2011, looking more awake, and being a happier, not crankier, person.
3. Your allowance is $10 a week. Get a job after apps, for sure.
I think she's done nagging me.. Ha.

Anyway, so I calculated how much applications would cost me. Would you like to know?
Envelopes: $15
Stamps: $20
CollegeBoard score reports: $119
Application: $765
Gifts of gratitude for teachers who wrote me letters: $30
Total: $949
Can you say, "HOLY FREAKING COW"!? REALLY? Spending nearly $1000 on colleges that could all potentially reject me. I hate them.

Dang it. I was in a writing mood so I was going to write an hour's worth of freely-flowing blog post, but I got preoccupied by homework and I don't want to write anymore. Goodbye until next time.

Love and splendor

I read an article from Psychology Today that explained why procrastinators procrastinate. I realized that I'm an "avoider": one "who may be avoiding fear of failure or even fear of success, but in either case is very concerned with what others think of them; they would rather have others think they lack effort than ability." It's so true, though. Three things I fear the most are pitch-dark darkness, heights, and failure. Fear of failure is exactly why when I dream of my future, I just can't seem to think in somewhat realistic terms; I only dream of my future self as being a career-driven, successful person because I don't want to picture myself as being a mere salesperson or a housewife (definitely not a housewife). I feel like my biggest goal in life is to succeed. Well, my definition of "succeeding" is very general though. To me, earning a fairly high salary equals success at life. So whether I'm a human resources manager, a hotel manager, a journalist, an entrepreneur, a wedding planner, or whatever I want to pursue when I'm older, as long as I make $$, I'm satisfied.

The "wedding planner" bit brings me to my next point that ties in with my "procrastination" intro. Recently, I don't even know how, but I came across this wedding coordinator's blog. Her blog is basically composed of pictures of her clients' weddings and I was just blown away by the happiness of the pictures. And seriously, the girl's got talent; she is creative and whimsical and ahh! I just love weddings! And the photography is so beautiful, I'm always so awed by all the details and colors. And I'm not going to lie: I'm pretty sure I spent more than an hour on her wordpress just looking at all the photos of her weddings and such. Just look at them. I mean, WOW. I LOVE WEDDINGS. I can't wait until we're all grown up and I'm invited to my friends' beautiful weddings. I really can't wait.

Photography taken from Love and Splendor.

Now I want to become a wedding planner...

But on another more "present" note:

I submitted my UC applications yesterday and it felt pretty good. I just like knowing the fact that I'm progressing and getting things turned in. The list of colleges I'm applying to (and don't you dare be like someone I know and be like, "Why would you even apply to that school..."):

Syracuse University

Boston University

Northeastern University

The George Washington University

Villanova University

Southern Methodist University

Seattle University

Pepperdine University

UC Irvine

UC Santa Barbara

CSU Long Beach

I feel like my list of colleges that I applied to aren't really "reach" schools, but I'm okay with that? I kind of feel like I'm not applying to "reach" schools because like I said, I hate failure... And being rejected to schools = ouch. I don't want to waste money on colleges that would reject me. So my list satisfies me.

I seriously cannot wait until it's mid-April. By then, I'd know where I am going probably, and that'll put such weight off of my shoulders. I'll be able to totally play afterwards. I CAN'T WAIT.

gray skies

Haven't seen you since that summer before I started high school, has it been that long? Saw pictures of you from a year ago; you looked completely different: thin, frail, the whiteness of your hair, your liverspots more prominent. I really, really miss you.

When Mom and Dad flew to Korea last week to see you, they told me you were doing better. Because they didn't want the two kids who were home alone to weep by themselves and wouldn't the situation just have devastated them both? So they told us stories about how much fun Korea was-- I actually was jealous of them being in Korea, but also happy that they were having a break that they deserved-- and we just resumed our lives as if you were perfectly fine now. What a miracle! All that praying that I did the night Mom and Dad flew paid off! God. Finally. Listened. To. Me.

Only Saturday, October 10th came around. Felt pretty okay with how I did on the SAT's (at least I hope I did okay). Came home, took a long long long nap. Woke up, Mom wanted to make dumplings. So she explains how dumplings were your favorite food ever, and I'm thinking, "That's nice. I should cook it for him when I visit Korea next summer." Then she nonchalantly says to my brother and me, "Since your grandpa died..." and the rest of her words, I don't recall. I just quickly snapped and asked "What? So he died.. but he came back to life??" And then I understood. The entire time she started explaining what really happened in Korea, I only thought, "What a great debate topic: should kids learn of loved ones' deaths right after it happens or learn of it after something important (like the SAT) is done with?" She didn't have much fun in Korea. She was just exhausted. Funeral arrangements and whatnot. I really can't believe that stuff actually happened. Mom had looked sad, but I thought she was just being a bugger about me being a total brat of a child. I was like, ugh, why is she being so ridiculous. I think that makes me truly disappointed in myself. Sorry, Mom.

It especially makes me sad that I wasn't even at your funeral. Mom explained that all of our relatives was at your bedside when you passed away, but I could only think, "But I wasn't there. I wasn't there. I should've been there." She said you were really delusional. Morphine, works wonders. She said the day she and Dad arrived, you were well and having a nice conversation with them, but the next day, you were really out of it. You couldn't comprehend who everyone was. Oh, morphine. At least you weren't in pain. I prayed that you wouldn't be in pain. So at least God listened to a part of my prayer. He couldn't do much about your death anyway probably. It probably was your time. You were 77. Too young actually. You should've lived to see me graduate high school. Enter college. Live until you were 86 at least. I feel like people should die in their 80s at the very least. But Mom said that you died 2 days before your birthday (which is 2 days before Chuseok) and that Korean proverbs say that if people die a day before their birthdays, it means they've lived a full life. Makes sense if you think about it. I thought it was wise. Your lunar birthday was?is? August 13, 1932. Your lunar deathday was?is? August 11, 2009 (September 29, 2009). I will not. forget those dates.

I really miss you. I hope you're faring well in Heaven. I sincerely hope there's a Heaven. Just because I want you to be completely blissful and pain-free right now. Colon cancer? Why on earth would God make the elderly suffer more by giving them such a horrible illness. Yeah, "everything happens for a reason," but I hate that people have to suffer along the way. Well, at least I really have something to walk for on Relay for Life. I will make you 29835135 paper bag memorial things. You deserve them! Ugh, I really can't help but be sad that you won't even see me graduate. I really wanted to visit you in the summer and see you and be good to you and make you laugh and cook your favorite food and.. make you happy to see me, to be with me.

Mom said that this would happen! Randomly, there will be times when I'll just cry all of a sudden and can't help but be SAD. I'm bitter. I'm really freaking bitter. I kept telling myself when I knew you weren't doing well that I will not cry because I think that when elderly people die, it's not that bad because I mean, they've lived a long life. But you. I'm crying because I could really have done so much more for you, and I was going to go to Korea this summer, and I didn't get to say goodbye, and I wasn't there at your funeral. AND what about grandma? She has been with you for so long, can she live without you? Yes, you guys bickered at each other all the time, but you guys could never live without each other. She's so frail and always so ill and tired. I can only pray that she has the heart to continue to live and be strong. Please stay strong, grandma. I hope you prove me wrong and you're stronger than I think you are..

Ugh. I am freaking bitter. But I'm sort of unnecessarily lashing out at people, I think, and I need to control my feelings more. So help me, please. And I hope you're okay with me going to homecoming. I feel like I shouldn't go. Should I not? I don't even know..

Well, I have to go back to doing homework now.

Rest In Peace, grandpa <3
1932~2009.

Lasts

Last year in high school starts soon! September 10th. I need to finish my homework. I hate homework. I can't believe we're going back to school again. Another year of tediousness, boredom, stress..

Last first day of K~12 school.
Last homecoming.
Last SAT.
Last AP testings.
Last Sadies.
First/last prom.
Last year of secondary education.

It's all coming up this year! Many memories to make. Many.

All the '08~'09 seniors are leaving pretty soon. I mean, all the Cal students left today/are leaving tomorrow. Soon, almost everyone's going to be leaving. I know we're going to see them again and things might not even change that much, but I think the reason I feel sad about it is because everyone honestly is moving on?

In five years, people will be in their mid-twenties and will undoubtedly be very different people.. Five years ago, I was such a naive, young, dumb child. Five years from now, I'm going to think I was naive, young, and dumb as a seventeen-year-old, haha. People change so much! I personally don't mind change like some do. Sometimes, I really enjoy change (ex: changing up my room, my hairstyle, my interest in music genres, moving, etc.). But I don't know! There are obviously some things that I really don't wish would change.. I feel so comfortable being with the people around me right now, it's really difficult to imagine that I'd be with different friends?acquaintances? when I'm in college and when I'm older. And because I'm in such a comfort zone at the moment, I'm disappointed that people are..moving..away. It's such an unnecessary feeling, to feel sad about this since we'll keep in touch (hopefully?), but I can't help it.. Ugh, I'm being sappy again.

I wonder if the people I'm friends with now and I will drift apart so much that if we were to meet again years later, I'd feel awkward and not know what to talk about with them. I hope not.. sigh.

Haircut day

I went to a savvy (Korean) hair salon today (technically yesterday) for my haircut. Since my mom told me that the hairstylist she booked me with was pretty fluent in English, when I went up to him, I spoke in English (naturally). We were getting along pretty fine, speaking in English, although his seemed a bit broken and pretty heavily accented. Then we got onto the topic of whether English was my first language and when I told him I came from Korea, he asked me in Korean when I came to the States. I replied, in Korean as well (to somewhat prove to him that I can understand/speak Korean I suppose), that I came in 3rd grade. Then he said, "Well, English is basically your first language then.." I shot back saying that no, Korean is, but he went onto ask that there are a lot of things in Korean that I don't know, right? And of course, I said right...

I was pretty disheartened though.

I'm not going to lie: before sophomore year, I was somewhat anti-Korea/Korean heritage/Koreans. The Korean fobs annoyed the hell out of me, the Korean actors/actresses seemed too meh for my taste, the Korean music was too tacky, and I pretty much wanted to be like my white friends from middle school: tall, "pretty," and so... American. But after sophomore year, when I surrounded myself with Korean people in Korean 4 honors, and after junior year, when Spencer updated me every single minute he was online with Korean entertainment news, I began to appreciate. My brother and my perspectives in our cultures totally swapped with each other. Before sophomore year, I was anti-Korea and Kevin was pro-Korea, chastising me and saying things like, "Korea is so great! You should be proud to be a Korean." Now, whenever I listen to Korean songs, my brother would roll his eyes, pretend to gag, and ask me why I enjoy Korean entertainment when I'm a resident of the great United States. Is it so wrong for me to enjoy things from my homeland? to want to become completely fluent in my first language so that I can be considered an excellent bilingual?

No! It shouldn't be. I feel like I'm trapped in a gray area. When I'm around white people, I want to show off that I can be just as American as they are. When I'm around Korean people, I want to show them that I can speak Korean, understand what they're saying, know (some of) the things they talk about. It really sucks.

Other thing that really sucks is my lack of self-control. After Shannon's low-carb diet, I've been wanting to cut back on some carbs as well. I'm not doing too bad, really, but there are those times when I think, 'Ah screw it, I'll just eat less later'. Or 'This will be the only thing I'll eat today since it has a bunch of carbs anyway'. Do I need to have Jessica Alba or Son Dambi tattoed on the back of my hand or something? to keep me from grabbing fatty foods? Gah, I need to discipline myself. RESIST.

Getting my hair cut was refreshing. My head feels lighter. My hair feels healthier. The only weird part is that when I run my fingers through my hair, I'm pretty disappointed that I meet the ends of my hair strands so quickly. I guess I miss running through my long hair the most. But other than that, change has come! I shall start my life anew!

Racism Question Mark

Last Sunday was the long awaited Interact Bon(d)fire. Kim, Joanne, Theo, and I arrived there at 8:30 AM and because it was cloudy, glum, and a bit sprinkling, there was literally nobody else at the beach except one other group that was saving their fire pit. I had slept at 4 in the morning due to (procrastinating on) working on the posters for the bonfire that would let people know where we were. THE JOY of being the publicity director! I love it.

Anyway, we were able to save two fire pits since around 60 people were supposed to come to this event. The West High Interact board finally got everything situated by 2pm: the two EZ-up tents, the table, the food, the drinks, the trash bags, the firewood, the getting-sand-out-of-the-pits dirty ordeal. It was incredibly exhausting actually.. And Dockweiler is so dirty! So so dirty because of the ashes that mix with the sand. I hate Dockweiler. I hate birds. I hate seagulls! I hate beach bathrooms, too. So sick.

It was around 4pm (when people were supposed to start arriving) when they came. The ignorant, disrespectful bullies. When Joanne, Nicole, Jenna, and I came back from the Dockweiler beach entrance to put up the beautiful posters that I made that morning, we saw basically the entire Interact board posse at our 2nd reserved pit arguing with a huge group of Mexican people. Someone informed us that they were trying to take our pit since nobody was actually at the pit even though our stuff was all near it. Even though basically everyone was at the 2nd pit arguing with the huge scary people, I just.. stayed where I felt safer. Yeah. But when I did walk over, I heard Julie and Joanne arguing like crazy, saw the rude people putting their own wood into the pit that we labored for an hour over trying to get all the sand, coal, glass, and nails out. Since they were the adults, and we were the teenagers, they basically bullied us because they knew we were incapable of really doing anything to them.

You know what, long story short: bullies came, took our pit, angered Interacters, Interacters& Katie Horton's mother& a Rotarian who was supervising this event were mad determined to get back at them, seriously called the cops, cops drove in their SUV to come talk to both our groups separately, two of the bullies started walking toward us, cops stopped them, had a discussion in between the two pits, cops sided with us (since we were honestly here until the early morning trying to reserve two pits for a reason), bullies were >:|, they moved, we got both pits, some people felt bad for them, and that was the end of that.

I asked my mom after that crazy dramatic ordeal if she would've moved if we told her and her adult friends if she was in the bullies' situation. She said yes. OF COURSE, RIGHT? HONESTLY, who freaking wouldn't? Yeah, there were no other fire pits, but would anyone honestly start cursing at us, putting their own wood into the pit disrespectfully, and ignoring us and completely zoning us out? Oh, why I outta... Sigh, and I feel that if they were a different race, things might have been different.

I mean, not at the actual things that went down. But I feel a little uncomfortable telling the story because I'd have to say "these Mexicans blah blah blahed." Or I wouldn't have to say "these Mexican people" per se, but I feel like just saying "these people blah blah blahed" doesn't tell the entire story? As if telling the race makes people view things differently? But.. I always feel that some people may take it as some racist statement when talking about what Mexicans or black people did. It just sounds insulting for some reason. And I feel like people would envision things differently if they heard what the Mexican people did as to how they might view things if they heard a group of white people had done what they did to us. If you get what I mean.. What a complicated situation to describe. But I guess it's only complicated because I don't want to sound racist..

Ah, the next post will be happier.

New

I really suck at keeping a blog. I never update. Ever. I want to write, but there's just better things to do, it seems like. And talking about my day/feelings is so much easier than writing, too. I'd just rather say everything I have to say in my blog to my bests. I really rarely keep anything to myself, and I love talking about my problems, not writing about them, because it helps me to let everything out and someone is on the other end to help me and comfort me. With a blog, I feel like I'm still stuffed up even if I do write my feelings down.

But I figured it's about time to update again. Haha.

How have your lives been doing? Mine? It's, surprise surprise, been pretty uneventful. The last "major" thing that happened seemed to have been my birthday. Thank you to those who came, by the way. And thank you for your birthday wishes. Only on my birthday will I feel really loved. (How sad that does sound..)

Speaking of sad, Dumbledore died again. What I mean to say is that when I read Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, I found out that he dies in the end. And then, after a year?or two? of not thinking about Dumbledore's death, he died (in the movie) and I was reminded of how tragic that entire moment was. Oh, the Death Eaters. Oh, Draco. Oh, Snape. How could you all be so .. evil? I remember I took this (totally inaccurate) "Which Hogwarts house would you be in?" quiz on Facebook for fun, and I truly gave my honest answers only to get "Slytherin" as the result. I was, needless to say, so flabberghasted T_T. But then I took another "Which Hogwarts house would you be in? The more accurate version" quiz later and I think I got.. Gryffindor. Gee, talk about opposites?

Opposites.. I think opposites are fascinating. Okay, that didn't really make sense. But I mean, I think it's so fascinating when there are two best friends who've been friends since they were little, and they are the complete opposites: one's shy, nerdy; the other's outgoing, friendly. Yet they remain best friends. The same goes for couples who are opposite each other: one is super smart, super sexy; the other, not so classy, not so intelligent. Yet they end up loving each other and making their relationship work! I think that's the nicest.

That leads me to another chain of thoughts (haha, everything leads to another. I love how the human brain works): I wonder if my future lover/ husband/ soulmate/ the one meant for me/ the "cheese" to my "macaroni" will view things differently from me. Okay, I honestly hate being sappy around people, but how can I NOT be sappy? I want a good life. I want a happy future. I want to live past 2012 (if the world truly ends in 2012, I will be the most pissed off girl ever), enjoy my adult life, and have a love life. (Having a happy future for me includes having a love life, a successful career, and good friends.) I want to meet someone spectacular like everyone does. And so, you cannot blame me-- I just can't help myself when I think about what kind of person my future lover will be like (if I even have one; who knows whether I'll find one or not?).

Anyway, I think that's it for today. I feel like I wrote for hours, ha. And so I leave this post with a simple question:

If the world were to seriously end in 2012, would you regret how you lived your life? Would you regret not having lived your life to the fullest? If God, or some other higher being, told you that the world was going to end 3 years from now, would you actually just stop trying hard in school, do things as society expects you to, and go do things you've always wanted to do? I don't think I would.

My life.

My phone's been broken since December 25, 2008. I am using my brother's phone. I basically stole his phone from him. Some people don't even know that I use my brother's phone, and keep contacting me on the other number. I can't even text that freely anymore. I miss texting freely. I hate my brother's phone! It's so big and ugly. I liked my chocolate even though it broke very easily. It was perfect for me.

I am currently waiting on my friend to send me his share of the APUSH vocab. I hate how we have an APUSH test tomorrow. Merely because I have a bad feeling about the test.

Alas, this week will just be a horrible week. Tomorrow, I have to take the APUSH multiple-choice test, and I'll also be getting back my calculus ch. 7/8 score. I am so deathly scared.. AH, I despise tests! They completely determine your grade in the class.. And on Tuesday, I have a chapter 10 calculus test! and a Chinese test! I thought Chinese 1 would be easy (everyone said that any foreign language's first level class would be easy), but really. It isn't. Unless you're a Chinese person, I don't think you can succeed this class without devoting most of your time to this class or.. cheating. It's not that I cheat; I just use notecards that we aren't suppose to use during tests. It helps me get at least a C. Sometimes, when I'm lucky, other pro-Chinese speakers help me with the test, too. That helps me to get at least a B. Hopefully, on Tuesday, I will have those pro-Chinese people help me.. See, everyone talks about how Korean is a horrible class and whatnot, but honestly, try being in Chinese, kids. You will miss Korean! I can totally endure Korean-- not Chinese, though. WAY too difficult for me.

Let's see. On Wednesday, my Beloved paper is due. Yay.. I love gathering quotes and weaving them into the essay and trying to make what I'm trying to say flow. No, just kidding. I really dislike writing essays. It stresses me out like no other. Okay, and on Thursday, yet another English writing piece is due: the quarterly Writer's Workshop piece. I guess it's easier to write since it's a creative writing essay, but still! I would like to make Mrs. Sprague laugh, or cry, or whatever, at my essay because of its wonderfulness. Sigh. Also on Thursday, our Chinese legend book is due! and we have to present the book to the class! Too bad my group members and I do not even know how to write/say anything in Chinese! and too bad we haven't even started even though we had a whole month+ to work on it! We are all .. failures. Thank God Spencer's awesome drawing skills and Vincent's and my fabulous coloring skills will wow Mrs. Chuang, though. Hopefully..

Friday, I have to have finished reading Helie Lee's Still Life With Rice by 2nd period because we're having a timed essay on our outside reading books. Yay. I love timed writing. Seriously, this week is full of English stuff; what a frantic week. I haven't even read that much of the 2nd half of Still Life With Rice! I am so busy this week.

And ALSO on Friday, Jaime and I will be managing the ASB booth at Spring Fling. It's a bit nervewrecking because Michelle and Christina both will not be here. I'm afraid something might go wrong? I think I'm still secretly scared of Ms. Yoo; I don't want to disappoint! Siggggh. We'll see how that goes. If it goes well, it'll be a great end to a horrible/stressful week and a wonderful start to Spring Break.

Can you even believe Spring Break is already here!? Wow. Time to start cracking on making ASB campaign posters & studying for the AP tests.

I love life.

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OMG.. PHYSICS test on Friday. aosdigfaoiaghtattaqwtoa358ut'; my LIFE.

2nd post.

I really wanted to keep my blog "blog-like." No surveys, no rants, no informal writing. But currently, I'm getting prepared to stay up until maybe 2? 3? o'clock so that I can finish most of my APUSH outlines and vocab. So sadly enough, I'm going to waste ten~fifteen minutes to fill out a survey. I love how I have so much willpower. THANKS, KIM.

Ten Things About Me Right Now
1. I've become too dependent on caffeine. I must stop.
2. Ian G. told me yesterday that you can't get "addicted" to coffee, that it's all in your head, that you can only become dependent, but not addicted. I thought that was interesting.
3. I am wearing pink fuzzy socks at the moment. My mom absolutely hates it when I don't wear socks in the house because my feet get cold easily.
4. I need to learn how to manage my time. Don't we all?
5. My favorite breakfast meal at the moment: peanut butter sandwich with banana slices in between.
6. The only makeup that I usually wear is mascara, but people don't even notice.. That irks me..
7. I'm so freaking scared for next Feb/Mar/Apr when college acceptance (and rejection) letters come out.
8. Can you believe I'm 16 years old already!? Time flies by so fast. Man.
9. I want to see snow right now.
10. I miss my grandparents.


Nine Things I Wish I Could Say To Nine Different People
1. You're intelligent, we get that. But honestly, do you have to rub it into people's faces when they don't understand something so you look at them with that one facial expression that reads, "Dude, are you fcking dumb"? I find you so unnecessary.
2. Although I know you're a really good person, sometimes when you're hyper/happy, you turn sort of mean, and I hate it when you become like that.
3. You're absolutely CRAZY and you're so weird! But I guess that's why I like you; yeah, yeah, you're unique. Thanks for being a good friend =)
4. Do you know how much you frustrate me? The things you say to others/do with others are so calm/shy-ish/NICE, but when you're with me, you're an evil person who keeps looking at me with that FACIAL expression, and I just want to slap your face and kick you. But I guess the kind of friendship we have is pretty legit (I hope you agree..) and that's why you think it's okay to show your true colors. But you neglect me too much and I hate you for that. Really.
5. You're not cute. Please get over yourself. When they go away to college next year, you'll be all alone. You will. Stop. Please stop.
6. I think you need to stop being so insecure and GO.FOR.IT. Please stop being such an awkward person and admit your feelings =) DO IT. You have no idea how much you're frustrating me and others by not admitting your feelings. But it only frustrates us because we want you to be happy. And we care about your life =)
7. WHAT HAPPENED? We were such good friends.. Now we never even see each other anymore. As much as I feel like I could care less, I care a lot! I want us to be friends until the end!
8. You're sometimes such an asshole, but I guess you're mostly a REALLY GOOD FRIEND. So I thank you.
9. I miss you so much!!!!!!! I hope your health improves drastically.. Whenever a random person talks about Korea, or whenever Korea pops up in my head, I just think about you and Grandma and my other grandma and then everybody else, and I just want to cry =( The main reason I want to go to Korea so badly is because of you.. I hope you guys all feel better. You've become so much more frail-looking, too.. =( I am going to attach a video of me playing a cool piano song to one of the e-mails one of these days and make you proud of me =) I love love love love love you and miss you.


Eight Ways To Win My Heart
1. Humor
2. Non-judgmental towards people
3. Sarcasm.. haha
4. Has at least one cute facial expression? Whether it's when the person's concentrating deeply, just smiling, laughing, or whatever, the person should look cute at least in one scenario
5. Someone genuine! Not fake, but kind and sincere.
6. Someone who'll LISTEN to me.
7. Don't frown so much. Don't look at me as if I'm crazy.. SMILE!
8. Don't be shallow


Seven Questions That Currently Cross My Mind
1. Am I even going to get accepted into any colleges T_T?
2. Will I get married!?
3. Who am i going to be friends with forever?
4. Will I fall asleep while doing my outlines tonight?
5. Do they wish I was there with them right now?
6. Is my leg going to fall asleep if I'm in this position for a while? (..yes)
7. How will my future turn out?


Six Things I Do Before I Go To Bed
1. Change into my pajamas
2. Take contacts out
3. Brush my teeth
4. Wash my face
5. Stretch
6. Finish homework haha


Five People Who Mean A Lot To Me
1. Mom
2. Dad
3. Brother
4. Relatives in Korea!! (how can I exclude them..)
5. Kim


Four Things I Am Wearing Right Now
1. Socks
2. Jeans
3. Shirt
4. Sweatshirt


Three Songs I Listen To A Lot, Lately
1. Don't Leave
2. What Shall I Do?
3. Kiss Me Thru The Phone


Two Things I Want To Do Before I Die.
1. Fall in love (omgaah so cheesy, but really. i want to)
2. Travel for a year


One Confession.
1. After one traumatic incident I experienced when I was six years old, I've been scared of dogs. Yes, even little ones. Well, fine. I'm only scared of the dogs that bark and jump all over me. I am FREAKING scared of those dogs. Which is why I am scared of Tori's dog..

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I think I talk too much. I feel like I don't know what to write in my blog because I already told a person about all I'm feeling/thinking about at the moment. Every day, some new thought pops up in my head and I just can't keep that thought to myself so I tell somebody. Whether it be somebody I talk to very often or somebody I feel that I can trust with my rather rash comments about someone annoying, I always tell a person what I'm feeling at the moment.

So honestly, what am I supposed to write in a journal entry?

I've attempted to write in journals. In 6th grade, I wrote in my lovely journal every day-- almost religiously, actually. I wrote about such nonsense stuff and when I come across it sometimes, I read over what I wrote back when I was ten/eleven, and I really laugh at loud because what I wrote is so ridiculous and embarrassing. Perhaps that's why I should write in a journal notebook: to preserve the past?

I consider myself a pack-rat; I don't like throwing away things just in case I might find it when I'm forty or fifty or sixty and remember where/when/how I got those things. I guess I like thinking about the past. I feel like everything's too precious to throw away. My mom always complains about this.. She wants me to clean up my room and throw away all useless "junk". Honestly, it is rather useless. But what if I do preserve it, put it into a "time capsule" kind of box, save that box until I'm all grown up, shove it into the attic, and come across it when I'm even older? Then I'll be looking at all of these old things and I'll just be reminiscing and thinking about how great my life was when I was 10, 12, 14, 16, etc.

Maybe I watch too many movies. I don't know. Okay, a decision's been made. I shall buy a journal. Now the question is-- from where?