Haven't seen you since that summer before I started high school, has it been that long? Saw pictures of you from a year ago; you looked completely different: thin, frail, the whiteness of your hair, your liverspots more prominent. I really, really miss you.
When Mom and Dad flew to Korea last week to see you, they told me you were doing better. Because they didn't want the two kids who were home alone to weep by themselves and wouldn't the situation just have devastated them both? So they told us stories about how much fun Korea was-- I actually was jealous of them being in Korea, but also happy that they were having a break that they deserved-- and we just resumed our lives as if you were perfectly fine now. What a miracle! All that praying that I did the night Mom and Dad flew paid off! God. Finally. Listened. To. Me.
Only Saturday, October 10th came around. Felt pretty okay with how I did on the SAT's (at least I hope I did okay). Came home, took a long long long nap. Woke up, Mom wanted to make dumplings. So she explains how dumplings were your favorite food ever, and I'm thinking, "That's nice. I should cook it for him when I visit Korea next summer." Then she nonchalantly says to my brother and me, "Since your grandpa died..." and the rest of her words, I don't recall. I just quickly snapped and asked "What? So he died.. but he came back to life??" And then I understood. The entire time she started explaining what really happened in Korea, I only thought, "What a great debate topic: should kids learn of loved ones' deaths right after it happens or learn of it after something important (like the SAT) is done with?" She didn't have much fun in Korea. She was just exhausted. Funeral arrangements and whatnot. I really can't believe that stuff actually happened. Mom had looked sad, but I thought she was just being a bugger about me being a total brat of a child. I was like, ugh, why is she being so ridiculous. I think that makes me truly disappointed in myself. Sorry, Mom.
It especially makes me sad that I wasn't even at your funeral. Mom explained that all of our relatives was at your bedside when you passed away, but I could only think, "But I wasn't there. I wasn't there. I should've been there." She said you were really delusional. Morphine, works wonders. She said the day she and Dad arrived, you were well and having a nice conversation with them, but the next day, you were really out of it. You couldn't comprehend who everyone was. Oh, morphine. At least you weren't in pain. I prayed that you wouldn't be in pain. So at least God listened to a part of my prayer. He couldn't do much about your death anyway probably. It probably was your time. You were 77. Too young actually. You should've lived to see me graduate high school. Enter college. Live until you were 86 at least. I feel like people should die in their 80s at the very least. But Mom said that you died 2 days before your birthday (which is 2 days before Chuseok) and that Korean proverbs say that if people die a day before their birthdays, it means they've lived a full life. Makes sense if you think about it. I thought it was wise. Your lunar birthday was?is? August 13, 1932. Your lunar deathday was?is? August 11, 2009 (September 29, 2009). I will not. forget those dates.
I really miss you. I hope you're faring well in Heaven. I sincerely hope there's a Heaven. Just because I want you to be completely blissful and pain-free right now. Colon cancer? Why on earth would God make the elderly suffer more by giving them such a horrible illness. Yeah, "everything happens for a reason," but I hate that people have to suffer along the way. Well, at least I really have something to walk for on Relay for Life. I will make you 29835135 paper bag memorial things. You deserve them! Ugh, I really can't help but be sad that you won't even see me graduate. I really wanted to visit you in the summer and see you and be good to you and make you laugh and cook your favorite food and.. make you happy to see me, to be with me.
Mom said that this would happen! Randomly, there will be times when I'll just cry all of a sudden and can't help but be SAD. I'm bitter. I'm really freaking bitter. I kept telling myself when I knew you weren't doing well that I will not cry because I think that when elderly people die, it's not that bad because I mean, they've lived a long life. But you. I'm crying because I could really have done so much more for you, and I was going to go to Korea this summer, and I didn't get to say goodbye, and I wasn't there at your funeral. AND what about grandma? She has been with you for so long, can she live without you? Yes, you guys bickered at each other all the time, but you guys could never live without each other. She's so frail and always so ill and tired. I can only pray that she has the heart to continue to live and be strong. Please stay strong, grandma. I hope you prove me wrong and you're stronger than I think you are..
Ugh. I am freaking bitter. But I'm sort of unnecessarily lashing out at people, I think, and I need to control my feelings more. So help me, please. And I hope you're okay with me going to homecoming. I feel like I shouldn't go. Should I not? I don't even know..
Well, I have to go back to doing homework now.
Rest In Peace, grandpa <3
1932~2009.
